Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
