Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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