We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
