Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
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Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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