I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
