Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
