One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
