I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
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COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
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All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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