All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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