Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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