I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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