first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
