Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
