Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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