She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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