Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
