we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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