i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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