I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
