i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
When are your genitals available?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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