Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
