Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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