And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
