Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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