yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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