Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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