I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
