I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
