You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
