Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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