at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
