It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
