White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
