She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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