I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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