new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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