he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
