On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
