Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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