This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
