im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
