im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
