Umm I'm too high to move.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
