I need to stop coming to work sober
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
