My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
