hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
