I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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