If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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