My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
