I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He did a backflip because drugs
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
