So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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