So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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