stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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