How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
